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Fried things cure all guilt.

Festival of Lights…Latkes

Published on: 12-11-2017

Hanukkah. It’s the holiday of lights.

Let me say that again. Hanukkah. Chanukkah. Or is it Chanukah? Hanukah? Whatever. It’s the HOLIDAY. OF. LIGHTS.

So why does my house look like this?

Festival of Lights! See my house?
Festival of Lights! See my house?

When my neighbors’ houses look like this?


If my Jewish guilt wasn’t enough to keep me up at night now I have to listen to my kids tell me how lame our holiday is because we have no spirited decorations and no lights? Why then is Hanukkah called the holiday of lights? I ask again.

“But we have other holidays,” I reply.

“Like what?” they ask.

“Like Passover.”

“Oooh, you mean the one where we have to eat stale Matzah for a week when everyone else is eating jellybeans and Peeps and getting baskets overflowing with toys?”

Um, yeah. That one.

“We have…hmmm…” {scan brain for Jewish holiday that doesn’t involve guilt}.

“We have Sukkot. We decorate our Sukkah!”

“No! We want a Christmas tree! We could put Hanukkah lights on it!”


“Why? Isn’t Hanukkah the festival of lights? We learned that at school.”

“Yes, why do you have to be so smart?”

“You said yes?”

“No! I said no! We can celebrate Christmas with our friends who celebrate but we can’t get a tree.”

“Why not?”


This is how it goes every December. Technically I guess it’s not really a big deal considering the Christmas tree is a symbol of life having originated in 16th century Germany by Martin Luther. Twinkling stars are reflective of the winter sky to warm up any house. So if anyone actually did the research they’d find that a Christmas tree could apply to all religions. But I have a wayyyy guilty conscience so we can’t have a tree.

Instead we’ll have latkes. Big fat fried latkes with applesauce. And when we’re done having latkes we’ll drive around and look at everyone else’s lights. And invite all of our friends who don’t celebrate Hanukkah to come over and eat latkes so their kids can ask “Why don’t we eat latkes?”

Except they won’t ask that.

Easy Potato Latkes 


*Here’s the secret to easy latkes – buy shredded potatoes in a bag in your grocer’s refrigerator section (not frozen). You don’t have to shred potatoes and your potatoes won’t turn brown.


1 bag shredded potatoes (from refrigerator section of grocery store)
1 diced onion
1 box potato latke mix
2 eggs
150,000 gallons of oil
handful shredded carrots or zucchini (if you're feeling fancy)


Beat eggs.
Mix with shredded potatoes and latke mix. If too dry, add a little water.
Toss in shredded carrots and zucchini.
Fry those puppies in hot oil until crisp on each side.
Drain on paper towels and serve with applesauce.

I love Sour Patch Kids. I'd eat Ranch dressing on my shoe. My kids think I like my computer more than I like them. I have road rage.

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