Sit, Stay, Eat
New Year, New Goals.
Trying to train a new puppy while cooking dinner is not a good idea. It is a self-defeating idea. But after investing a large amount of money in a “guaranteed dog training program” we are supposed to be consistent with our training for two weeks. The goal is to become pack leaders and to completely immerse ourselves in a canine existence. I’m looking to my inner Clifford The Big Red Dog for some help on this since it’s my only frame of reference. Those dogs seem to get along nicely. Then again, they’re cartoons.
We’re not supposed to use people words like “No” or “Bad Dog.” Instead, we are supposed to growl fiercely when dog does something wrong like jump on people, bite or eat furniture. We are supposed to be dogs ourselves. Okay. Sounds a little strange but I’ll go with it.
Someone’s coming to do the door. Let’s see if this works. Dog hears doorbell. I stand in kitchen with arms folded assuming pack leader position. I stare at dog. Dog stares at me and laughs inside. Dog charges at door. Dog completely disregards me. Person rings doorbell again. It is cold so I can’t keep person waiting. I go to the door and dog follows me. I turn and look at dog fiercely. Kid next to dog starts laughing. This doesn’t help. I open the door and growl at dog like dog trainer taught me. “GRRRRRRR……” except I’m looking directly at UPS man who is wondering why I’m growling at him. I apologize. “Sorry, I don’t usually growl at people,” I say. He looks at me like I’m crazy except dog has already started humping his leg so now I’m growling at UPS man whom my dog is trying to impregnate. This was not in the expensive brochure. I really want my package from UPS man.
I try technique number two. Squirt dog with water bottle. This does absolutely nothing. Dog likes this and continues sexual advances towards UPS man. Kid number two asks me what dog is doing. I ignore question. This is not the time for Sex Ed. UPS man is still standing there. Is he enjoying this? I grab package and hope that dog follows me into house. I slam door on UPS man without thanking him.
Now I am really annoyed. I’m annoyed at dog who doesn’t recognize me for the natural pack leader that I am. I am annoyed at kid who does nothing but laugh at me and undermine my pack leader authority. I am annoyed at myself for thinking that getting a dog for the holidays will be ‘good for the kids’ and ‘a great addition to our family’ and be like Lassie coming in with the newspaper and barking only to protect us from danger, not humping the UPS man.
Oh, and I am annoyed because my original plan was to make dinner and work on a couple of new work projects and that’s not done either. So my brain is fried. My temper is fried. My patience is fried. And so I’m going to make something fried (well, fake fried that is) because it’s the only thing I can think of right now.
So much for resolutions.
Fake Fried Chicken with Corn Flake Crumbs and Fried Rice When Your Brain is Fried Dinner
- One package chicken (this recipe works best with bone and skin but can also be done with boneless/skinless)
- Bottle Italian Dressing (any kind…or mix up your own with oil, lemon juice, oregano, S&P and red wine vinegar)
- Corn Flake Crumbs
- Throw chicken in bowl.
- Throw Italian dressing on chicken.
- Let marinate for at least 10 minutes, if not more. If you’re not annoyed and had more time to prep, you can marinate for a few hours.
- Dip marinated chicken into bowl of corn flake crumbs and cover completely.
- Bake at 350 for one hour. *If you are using boneless/skinless, bake for 3o minutes.
- Throw plates on table.
- Throw chicken on plates.
- Throw napkins and anything else you need to eat with chicken on table.
- Growl at yourself for being so naive to buy into expensive dog training program that doesn’t work.
*You can also do this with chicken tenders and serve on top of a salad.
- One cup white or brown rice
- One Box Mushrooms (sliced)
- Scallions (chopped)
- Soy Sauce
- 2 Eggs
- Ground Ginger
- Sesame Oil
- Cook rice according to directions.
- While cooking, saute mushrooms, a sprinkle of ginger and scallions in a little sesame oil.
- When soft, add eggs to veggie mixture and cook for a few minutes until eggs are scrambled with veggies.
- When rice is done, add veggie mixture and mix thoroughly.
- Pour appx. 1/2 cup soy sauce (or just half the bottle) into the mixture and heat for a minute.
- Serve with chicken.