Whatever You Do This Summer, Don’t See This Movie
What do you get when you cross a really bad script with really bad actors, no plot, no B-story, and did I mention a really bad script? Let’s see…here are your choices:
- Robocop 3
- Anything starring Keanu Reeves
- Judy Moody and the I can’t even remember the rest of the title it was so bad summer ‘blockbuster’ of 2011
And the winner is irrefutably #4. No, this is not a movie blog, but consider yourself $10 richer (or more depending on how many people you were planning on bringing) should you actually be reading this. Hands down, this was the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. And I’ve suffered through pretty much every single episode of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody so trust me on this one. Makes Brenda Song look like Meryl Streep. But Judy Moody…another story altogether.
It was so bad, so unbearable in fact, that I actually bribed my children halfway through the movie to leave. I started by telling them I’d give them $5 each. “But we like it!” they said. “Really?” Wow. Maybe I’m just out of the loop. Okay, I decided to give it another ten minutes.
Five minutes into the ten minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore. I upped the ante. “Fine, even though you just downed a pack of Sour Patch Kids and a large buttered popcorn you can have dessert for dinner.” What was I thinking? I don’t know. Maybe I was delirious from the bad acting. The lady next to me was out cold. The guy behind me was texting. My husband was practically snoring. Good for him. I had nothing. My cell wasn’t working and there were no other movies I could sneak into for the duration of this one. Yeah, I do that. But only when the movie is so bad that I actually blame the theater for agreeing to show it.
So we left. My kids took the bait and agreed to the ‘dessert for dinner plus $5’ offer. So in the end, we spent $50 for the movie plus the payout which could have been spent on….let’s see…
- At least three iced Venti drinks at Starbucks (okay, maybe two).
- Forty rentals from that red box outside of the grocery store (of which ten would work).
- 1/5600 of the cost of a Hermes Birkin Blue Sapphire Diamond Crocodile Handbag (retail $280,000…yeah, you read it right) not including shipping.
And what I learned from this experience is threefold:
- There is room for new screenwriters in Hollywood (because even the worst script I write has GOT to be better than this) so I’m not giving up the dream. Thank you Judy Moody for this inspiration.
- A great book does not always translate into a great movie (ie: Eat, Pray, Love, Bonfire of the Vanities, How the Grinch Stole Christmas Jim Carrey version).
- You can always get what you want with bribes. Any age. Any time. It’s a beautiful thing.
The last thing I wanted to do after seeing this movie was cook, so I didn’t. We went out for family style Italian and the kids got Cannolis instead of pasta like I promised. I mean calorie for calorie, it probably comes out even, right? And they stuff those things with Ricotta cheese so I might as well have called it a ravioli.
But man, what a waste. And with the $50 I should have saved had I not paid for this abomination I could have purchased a very large supply of Truffle Oil which works wonders on corn on the cob for a summer barbecue (I have corn on the brain after downing a tub). And had I not wasted two hours of my life that I’ll never get back sitting in a sparsely filled theater with sleeping parents, I would have hosted that barbecue. And I would have made grilled corn on the cob with truffle oil and Parmesan as a side to grilled chicken and flank steak.
Thanks a lot, Judy.